Vampires, cos yeah

I should begin typing something. Oh look, I am. I blame the Young Dracula conversation. Possibly the sugar as well. It all began on a sunny afternoon. Shopping had been done, a delicious meal had been eaten, and food had been brought for a meal the next day. Fanfiction, that thing where people, of their own volition, write extra stories about characters from a piece of fiction just because they feel that something else should happen to that character(s) or that this would be an amusing thing if those two were paired up. That sentence doesn’t make sense, I don’t care. Either way, it is something that I do not normally do except for in my head, I do not write these things, and, on the whole, I do not discuss these things with other people. The difference on this day was the friend it was being spent with. This person is known for both her deep thinking and her complete randomness of thought and comments in ways that led to terrible jokes and idiotic laughter. 

Anywho, the topic that we ended up discussing was the outcome of several characters after the show had finished. This discussion, though we did get sidetracked talking about the mental breakdown that the older sister Ingrid would have, centered mainly around the fact that Vlad (the young Dracula from the name of the show) would totally get together with his best mate Robin’s little sister Chloe. This brings up the issue that I am going to discuss here on in, “How do Vampires have sex with Humans and not kill them in the process?”

Enter Friends’ thoughts.

A: “corks on their teeth”

This, I think, is ridiculous, as in most movies and tv shows vampires fangs are not fully extended until the moment of, well, climax. I do think that we can all agree here that no matter what, the whole act of a vampire sucking on someone else is a matter of climax, whether it be like sexual climax or like the climax of euphoria from taking drugs. This word shall hopefully not need to be debated any further as to my usage of it. Sigh. Back on track. Corks in teeth doesn’t work. I mean, how do they stay on? What about foreplay? Wouldn’t they get in the way of kissing? I can see a girl possibly being able to keep track and cork fanging herself before she bites her boyfriend, but I really don’t see her wanting to ruin the moment for herself. Whereas a male vampire, well, I don’t really see them as thinking the straightest at that moment either in which to stop themselves from going all out orgasm on the girls neck (I like this sentence, in a so very immature way). The only other option I can then foresee is there being a third person. But is that person to be a human that wants to be sucked on, putting themselves in the way of the vampire’s partner’s veins and arteries because that’s how they reach their happy place (or are simply suicidal masochists). Another option is that this third person is human and likes the thrill of danger of getting the corks on the vampire’s teeth on time. Or it’s another vampire, and it works as like a safe system of ‘if we fail I’ll help you get rid of the body in exchange for a free feed’ kind of way. No matter how I think of it, corks on the teeth is a stupid idea. My friend has her own view of why it wouldn’t work: the teeth would cut through the cork. My main point is that it would totally ruin the moment and is completely unsexy.

A (again): “neck guard”

“This process involves the foreplay, the afterplay, and everything that happens in between the plays....hence why it doesn’t have to simply be the human partner’s neck.” 

My main point with this thought is that how completely unsexy it would be to have to do it with someone in a full body cast so you don’t inadvertently suck their blood. But you see, this doesn’t work if the human is a male, cos the whole reason why erections work is that blood runs into the penis to make it be, well, erect. So yeah, it just doesn’t work.

K: “Blood bag”

You see, I also had this idea. It is perfect in many ways, like me I guess. But I guess I will have to look at the cons of shoving a blood bag into your vampire partners face at the exact right moment so they suck on the blood in the blood bag instead of your own (though you could extract your own blood in small amounts and then store it, so as to make the moment more intimate, I guess, it’s weird either way, but your having sex with a freaking vampire, so yeah, I stick my tongue out a you). First of all, how to keep the blood warm? I mean, you would have to time it to see how long your vampire partner gets to the point of biting climax as opposed to the point of sexual climax, work out an average time to reach the biting, then go from there in the hope that they don’t become prematurely bitey. With this in consideration how are you to keep the blood at a nice human bloody temperature so that when the moment comes they don’t burn their tongue or have a mouthful of cold glugginess. You also need to keep it close at hand as well, and hope like hell you have the presence of mind and the reflexes to get the blood bag to your vampire lover’s face in time. Then you have to get your undead love of your (most likely short) life to actually bite through the blood bag, when veins and arteries just under the skin are so much more inviting. Though I guess you could take the stance that it’s the same as people who don’t like condoms, though they are obviously the safer and less baby making option, though this doesn’t work if it is girl human with girl vampire, so that statement doesn’t make complete sense with every situation but hey, you get the analogy. It is also really unsexy to shove something in your partners face, especially if is a warm, faintly squishy plastic bag filled with liquid that you most likely are using too much force to get it into their mouth and as such are punching them in the face with this warm squishy liquid filled plastic bag thing, and also obstructing their view and concentration and overall, you suck (this time metaphorically) because you are yet again, ruining the moment. 

A: “some serious, serious bondage, as in the vampire, not the human”

K says that “rule 1, it is not wrong so long as both people consent and enjoy it, no matter whatever It is.” 

I can see this working, it’s just wrong. Mainly because you have to find a vampire lover that is willing to go into full bondage, despite the fact that I am fairly sure part of the whole enjoyment of sex thing for the vampire is the sucking of blood, but then it goes back to the whole punching them in the face with a warm squishy liquid filled plastic bag thing in order to keep them satisfied. But hey, if you, as a sadistic human being, find a masochistic vampire lover that wants you to dominate them in oh so many ways, then cool, go for, I just really, really, oh dear god I mean this when I say it, DON”T want to hear about it.

In the end my only conclusion is this, why the hell are you having sex with a vampire? Also, Vlad and Chloe totally get it on when they are older, I’m just not sure if they manage to get it on more than once. 

*Male vampires will be able to have an erection due to having the blood of others flowing through their veins (and arteries and capillaries).