Identity isn't simple

Identity is important: it is how we view ourselves, how we present ourselves to others and how others view us. Identity is about labels, yes, but it is deeper than that. Internally it helps us form our world view. It helps us to find connections with those that identify similarly to us, and it informs and changes when we start to find connections and similarities with labels and identities in which we originally thought were different to us. Externally we can show and share our own identity and labels with others in a way that seeks to help others understand what it is to be us. We can absorb and seek to understand the labels that other people identify with so we can understand what it is to be them.

Identity is also separate from us. It can be the labels that others put on us, and that we put on others, without consultation of the individuals concerned. It is intrinsically linked to both preconceptions and experiences. It is intrinsically linked to society and history. It is clouded by definitions and colloquialisms and language. It is clouded by assumptions, prejudices and stereotypes. It is clouded by ignorance, and refusals to acknowledge connections to broader experiences.

Identity is complex. We identify ourselves by different labels in different times, groups and places. However it is never separate. You might be able to separate the words into individual meanings, but identity is not words. Identity is meaning and emotion. It is not some succinct summation of what you are. It is intrinsically personal. By its nature identity is not easy, and it will always be made up of parts that from the outside will seem at odds with each other. Every person has a multiplicity of labels they give themselves, and they will never all be in agreement with one another.

Discussing any topic involving identity is hard. One of the easiest ways to break down a conversation about identity is to start using language and arguments that dismiss another person’s right and ability to form their own identity. Another way is to ignore the multiplicity that is identity, and with that too often impose stereotypes and prejudices. A third way is to ignore the connections (historical, ideological, social) that come with these identities, and by extension dismiss the very real connections that exist within issues of identity.

Identifying with one label does not automatically identify you with another, nor does it preclude you from identifying with a third and seemingly opposing label. I am me, but what is me? I am the product of my childhood, family, education, race, ethnicity, religion, socioeconomic standing, local community, broader community, national community, political standing, the history of my family, community, religion, people, country, race. I am also the product of the labels that have been imposed on me by others: by family, teachers, politicians, statisticians, doctors, friends, historians. The list is endless, and yet we still have this yearning to reduce it to something short, smart and snappy. Identity is not buzzwords: it isn't succinct, simple or definitive.

You may not identify as something that is part of your personal, familial or societal history. This is normal. However it can be extremely helpful to know where you came from, what you are a product of. It can help you understand where your beliefs and ideologies come from and examine the connections that lie there. Philosophies, morals and world views do not appear out of nowhere, and neither do the identities that spring from them. Understanding where your identity comes from will help you understand where other peoples’ identities come from. Understanding that, whilst you may not personally apply an identity based on the past to yourself, it does influence you, and you must acknowledge that influence even if it sits uncomfortably with you.

When someone identifies themselves as something they are not giving you just a word. There is a history to that word, deeper meanings that come from both their experiences and those that came before them. It is not just a word. It is memory and emotion. It is not simple. This means that when we talk about one part of identity, for instance religion, it doesn't come separate from the history, context and current social attitudes towards it. It doesn't separate itself instantly from race, ethnicity, culture and history, and it is simplistic to expect it to. To talk about one part of a person or groups identity you must acknowledge the other parts of it. The connections that are there cannot be denied just so you can come out with an easy answer. To do that is inherently dismissive. It is dismissive of peoples’ experiences and history, and the history behind the words themselves. It sets up a problematic discourse that requires people to be one or the other, to pick a side, and it forces walls around the words we use to identify ourselves with. Identity is not a jigsaw puzzle where only a few certain pieces can be connected to each other.

Identity is not fixed. It is not tied to one moment in time. It is changeable: old connections are seen as less important while new connections are made. You can reclaim a former part of your identity that you left behind before. You can identify with something only momentarily, or it can be a lifelong part of you. It doesn't always sit comfortably, and there will always be someone else for which the way you identify yourself is uncomfortable to them, just as their identity could sit uncomfortably with you. You could share a very similar identity with someone else, but you could be troubled by it whilst the other is at peace with it. This is because identity isn't fixed into one spot by a single set of definitions and experiences.

In the end identity is messy, emotional and deeply personal. It can be easy to dismiss another’s identity because it doesn't make sense to you, as could you dismiss part of your own identity because you have been told it is incompatible with the rest. Identity isn't meant to be easy, and it is all too easy to fall into assumptions and prejudices. To impose a narrow band of definition on something that isn't easy to define, to separate something that is inherently tangled up with all the other parts that make up a person’s identity. To dismiss or belittle other’s identities is to miss out on the complexity that is humanity. It serves no one to be reductive, and it serves no one to be inflexible. Identity is multiple, and it is complex, and it is never, ever simple. 

The Changing thing that is Me

So over the past few years I have been getting more connected to various communities devoted to being positive, welcoming and kind. Due to this over the past few years I have also seen some things that have made me incredibly uncomfortable. Due to this I have been changing my views on the world. Due to this I have been changing my views on myself.

Communities

Through a friend I have gotten closer to the Fat Positive community, also known as Fat Activism.
Through an acquaintance I have gotten closer to the Feminist community.
Through a close friend and many acquaintances being connected to the Sex Positive community.
Through acquaintances I have been involved in the Fair Trade and Sustainability communities.
And through personal interest I have gotten involved in education, which has led to a direct connection to Refugees and Asylum Seekers in my local area.

On being uncomfortable

I like to think I have grown over the past few years, and will continue to grow. This hasn't come with out moments of being uncomfortable with myself and others. I believe being uncomfortable is important in challenging and changing views.

With the Fat positive community I had to come to terms with what I have been told by society: that I and others that are overweight (and in particular female) do not deserve romantic and sexual relationships, that if we have or want these things we have to settle, that if we have a partner they must have some kind of fetish or have no self respect, that I am something to feel sorry for, that I am not worthy of respect, that I'm not allowed to dress a certain way which has led me to judge other overweight people for dressing how they want to, that being overweight is something to pity. I have had to come to terms with myself and, since I do have health issues, be strong enough to realise that a doctor who wants to focus on my weight is not worth my time. I have had to really look at how I have viewed others who are also overweight and actively go against what I have been taught, as it is unkind to others, and it is harmful to myself.

I have over the years been reticent about calling myself a Feminist, but I am happy to do so now. Part of this is being to see and be connected to those that practice Feminism, not just those that misuse, misread and misrepresent the community. I have had uncomfortable moments though, such as I never realised the pervasive extent in which racism has been in the Feminist movement (I never assumed there wasn't racist Feminists, but it made me glad for the group I am now a part of) that has made me examine my privilege even more closely as a white Christian in an English speaking Western country.

The Sex Positive community has close ties with many of the things in the Fat Positive and Feminist communities, and there is good reason for the cross overs. For me one of the things that has caused the most uncomfortable moments have been about consent and shaming. I don't think I need to explain why conversations on consent and shaming are uncomfortable, and if you need an explanation either you are living in a utopia that has perfect consent and doesn't shame people because there are sexually free or have been victims of crimes, or you live in a self reinforced bubble.

I think that while I am living in the time and place I live in I will always have uncomfortable moments because I work with Refugees and Asylum Seekers. There are mild bits of uncomfortable that will simply exist because there are cultural differences, but these are easily overcome by being understanding and in the end. The most uncomfortable things are listening to the stories of the English students in the classes I volunteer in and then hearing the vitriol and ignorance that people spout about Refugees and Asylum Seekers. The moments when I can see people visibly swallowing words because they don't want to offend ME, picking their statements carefully because they don't want to offend ME, the educated white girl, instead of ever considering the people they are actually talking about.

On meeting amazing people

In all of these things I have met some amazing people. These are people I have personally met. I might not have spoken to them at length about anything (I am ridiculously shy at times) but I have heard them, and read their words, and seen their actions.

The women I have met at Aqua Porko, a Fat Positive synchronised swimming group. My goodness I feel shy around them but I have never felt better about my body since I have met them. They encourage health with out weight loss, they encourage fashion without shame, they have given me people I can look up to because they don't see their weight as a hindrance to being active, sexy, romantic, fashionable, They stand there and say "I am not these things despite of my size, I am these things because I want to be these things". Due to health issues I haven't been able to go swimming with them as much as I want but I am so glad that when I have everything sorted I will be welcomed back with open arms.

I will combine the Feminist and Sex Positive people together because the people that have influenced me in person over this have bee the same people. One of them is one of my Best Friends and housemate, Anika, and another is someone she introduce me to, Peter C Haywood, who runs the Femism group on FB Let's Talk Feminism and is just brilliant to talk to. Both have connected me to wider Sex Positive and Feminist communities, such as writers, activists and educators. OK, so it is a bit of a cop out saying my best friend and housemate is an amazing person, but the people, ideas and groups she has introduced me to has helped me to grow, and I did meet her only a few years ago so she fits my self imposed criteria.

With the Fair Trade and Sustainability communities there has been a stand out person that has connected me to many different people, groups and ideas. Stephanie Woollard is the founder of (and runs) the organisation Seven Women. I have volunteered for her before and I don't think I have met someone so undeniably POSITIVE.

I volunteer at an adult education organisation in my local area as a classroom assistant in their preliminary English course for refugees and asylum seekers. I have met some great educators there in a great environment. I think the whole place is influencing my future as an educator in so many positive ways. They are so supportive of us volunteers, I have been a volunteer at so many different places in a variety of different settings and whilst I can't really pick a definitive top place (I have been really lucky as a volunteer), they are definitely up there. The students are great, and I don't think I can do anything other than admire them for making such hard, dangerous and difficult choices for themselves and their families. I think it is amazing that they can go through so much to get to Australia, and despite what they are put through by the government and actively ignorant media and people they still want to be here, and still like Australia.

On the future

I hope I will continue to have discomfort in the future. I am becoming a secondary school teacher so I know I will have uncomfortable moments there (I don't think it's possible to not have uncomfortable moments when in contact with teenagers). I hope that these experiences and people I have met will help me through those uncomfortable moments and their positive influences keep on going. I hope that this helps me to become a positive influence on others. That I can stand up and confidently say I am a Fat Positive, Sex Positive Feminist. That I can stand up and confidently support Fair Trade and Sustainability. That I will always have the confidence to make someone else uncomfortable with their views on Refugees and Asylum Seekers.

I am a work in progress, to be anything other would be to be stuck in a rut. As much as it would be lovely to wrap myself in a bubble of people that agree with me I know it's impossible and I think it leads to people being ignorant on other issues. I want to grow as a person, and I want to understand things better. I will have my down days when I feel useless, and feel like people won't change. I won't deny my own shortcomings. I will try to be understanding of others and where they are coming from.

I'm not an activist, but I am a person who is capable of discussion and in a position to share and influence others. Will it be easy? No, it won't, trying to change someones mind on something is hard, I know I have taken time to change and grow, and I must allow them that time too.

<3 Milly

Some extra bits

For those in the Melbourne (also a group in Sydney) area that identify as Fat, enjoy swimming and want some guilt free fitness fun check out Aqua Porko.

I love Laci Green on lacigreen and Dr Lindsey Doe on Sexplanations on Youtube. Check out their informative Sex Positive educational channels and learn something. 

http://sevenwomen.org/ is where you can find more information about Steph's great organisation. If you are in Melbourne you can see about volunteering with them. If you are at La Trobe's Bundoora campus be sure to look for their stall during semester (and keep an eye out for them at other universities and markets across Melbourne). 

If you want to volunteer in your local community go investigate options such as a community connections organisation (usually run by the local council) or community center. It is ok to volunteer so that you can get experience in a field or area, but don't let that be the sole reason, and always know your rights and obligations as a volunteer as well as the organisations rights and obligations (it goes both ways).