Whiter than White

There are many things that can be said to be ‘whiter than white’. It’s a hard thing to explain, and a hard thing to define, but every now and then you see, hear or experience something that can be called ‘whiter than white’. It has been a term used since the early 90s, often to denote when someone who is of Caucasian appearance attempts to do something that is part of African-American pop or street culture. The experience is usually one of unrealised awkwardness, and can lead to onlookers being bemused, confused, disturbed or downright worried about the actions of those performing the so-called ‘whiter than white’ actions.

A popular representation of such people is that of a male youth (or more than one if you are unfortunate enough) attempting to pull off the kind of clothing worn by a street kid from Harlem, but in a decisively not quite right way, and attempting to sing along to a rap song and affect the lingo that they consider to be ghetto, street or rap.

In Australia this is usually found when near boys between the ages of 14 and 20 who seem to have a complete disregard for the ears of others in public spaces, and a complete disregard for any fashion sense and as such assault the eyes as well. A typical ‘whiter than white’ male youth here have a propensity for wearing unfortunately coloured basketball jerseys (most likely of a team they have never watched) and baseball caps. This ensemble is often set off with baggy jeans, though thankfully this has slowly waned in the last decade since the horrific trends of the 90s.

I shall now recount to you the incident that set off this line of thought. Whilst on my way to a friend’s place I had to take a short bus ride as the first part of my journey. When I got onto the bus and sat down I started noticing something. This something was rap music issuing from a phones speaker that belonged to someone at the back of the bus. I figured out quickly, through them talking, that this was the phone of a teenage boy and his friend. One of them started to rap along to the song playing. This made me smile and chuckle to myself. For so many reasons.

The first reason being that the boy attempting to rap along could not keep up with the artist he was trying to follow. The second being that his accent, being so very firmly Australian, and the singers being so firmly American, they were not compatible. The inflections issuing from his mouth were entirely wrong, and occasionally he resorted to making random noises in the “that sort of sounds right” range of singing along noises. Third, and finally, the boys seemed to think that the music was hardcore in some way, talking about it as if it was so crude that they were so bad for listening to it upon a bus. This I found to be the most amusing. Sure, it wasn’t an Australian radio friendly rap song, but there was minimal swearing (I couldn’t actually hear any but I feel for them to feel that it as being so cool it must have had swearing at some point yes?) and there were no particularly stand out offensive phrasing.

Whilst listening to this going on behind me all I could think was this, “this is whiter than my legs after they get waxed in the middle of winter”, my own personal way of saying that something is ‘whiter than white’, because dear lord, am I white. The two boys got off the bus the stop before me, and that was when I first saw them, and could truly appreciate the most amusing horror of it all. They were wearing matching bright yellow, oversized basketball jerseys, caps turned backward and slightly to the side, and, lastly, one wearing fairly average looking jeans whilst the other was wearing parachute pants (something I had honestly thought had been locked in a 90s time vault never to be released again onto the unsuspecting world). I also couldn’t help wondering if they had been transferred forward in time from 2003, because that was what boys I went to high school with wore. I genuinely thought that people stopped dressing like that after 2005, at least anyone over the age of 12 anyway. After all that look can be endearing on a 10 year old, but not so much after their voice has broken and, one would assume, they were trying in some way to attract female attention.

After the boys got off the bus another thing occurred. A thing that caused me to shake with laughter for a minute or so, I almost laughed out loud. The bus driver, with the boys’ music now gone from the bus, now took his turn to put on the radio to a station he liked and turn the music up. This is the defining moment of my happiness at this experience. The song that was playing, and yes the song is very white, was an ABBA song, and this, this is the point in which I thought, “those boys are whiter than ABBA”.

So, here it is to those that unknowingly, unwittingly, and most of all, unintelligently, attempt to copy a culture that does not translate to their own. To those that misunderstand the thoughts, ideas and reality that created that culture. And finally to those that, without ever knowing it, make someone’s day through the hilarity caused by their own ineptness at being part of a cultural group that would laugh their asses off if they ever encountered them.

So ladies and gentlemen, raise whatever drinking vessel you have nearby you to these boys. The boys that made me happy, by making me cringe.